I have reached the point in my pregnancy where I can't seem to get comfortable when going to bed, no matter what I do. I know that they say you should lay down on your left side, but anytime I lay on my side (left or right), Katie starts kicking and won't stop until I move. You are not supposed to lay on your back because it affects the blood flow to the baby, and for obvious reasons I can't lay on my stomach. I think part of the problem is the lack of growth of my uterus. Katie doesn't have that much room as it is, and when I lay on my side it takes some of that space away. I can get over the pain that I feel when I lay down and how every position seems to be uncomfortable, but having someone kick you constantly until you move, I just can't get used to that. It also makes me a little worried. I don't want to lay in a position that might be harmful to Katie...I know it may be unlikely to harm her, but with my lack of growth, you just never know. Last night I ended up moving to the chair in the living room to sleep. I woke up sore, but at least I was able to find a position that didn't cause Katie to go crazy.
I suppose we weren't meant to be comfortable in our last month of pregnancy. I mean, could you imagine wanting to stay pregnant forever? I sure couldn't. I know someone who was worried about becoming a mom and wanted to stay pregnant. She said that taking care of the baby was easier when it was inside her....she must have had a better pregnancy then me. I have a hard enough time making sure that the baby gets the nutrients that she needs, let alone being able to provide nutrition for myself. Don't get me wrong, I know that taking care of a child is no piece of cake...I worry all the time about what kind of mom I'm going to be. Will I know what I need to do? How many mistakes am I going to make? What if I don't know some of the important things that all mothers know? However, not only am I excited about meeting Katie, but I am excited about not being pregnant anymore. I am ready to not feel sick everyday, and I definitely feel like I have more control of Katie when she is here as opposed to when she is inside me. I know that probably doesn't seem to make much sense...but I can tell you right now that Katie has more control over me right now than I have over her.
Maybe the lack of control that I have over Katie has something to do with my need for order in the house. I think I need something to have control over. I feel the need to have everything clean. Yesterday I spent hours making a calendar with a list of chores that need to be done daily, several times a week, once a week, or 1-2 times a month. I have been thinking about the whole nesting thing a lot lately. Is it really a desire to have everything clean and safe for the baby? Will an infant really be affected if I don't scrub the kitchen counters several times a day? I mean, she is not exactly going to be up and moving around and probably won't even come near the kitchen counters for a while. Is nesting really a way for women to gain some control. I mean, from the start of a pregnancy, a woman loses a lot of control over her body. It grows, no matter what you do (unless of course you are me). You get sick all the time. You have to pee all the time. In reality, you have no control over your own body. Maybe we do it for the sense of control. In the end it is probably a good reaction; preparing for the arrival of a child is important. It just makes me wonder if we really do it for that reason. I suppose I shouldn't dwell on it and I should just fulfill my desire to have a clean house. I mean, why question a good thing? Why put something positive in a negative light? Why delude yourself into thinking that you have any control when in reality, from the time that this baby was conceived, all control was lost. Have I mentioned that I love Katie :-)
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